Lost In Direction
I wake up on this sunday afternoon with my water to the left of me in an empty house. It is so quiet you can literally hear the refrigerator hum and the slight static in the late winter air. I wake up look at my phone, just passing time, and avoiding the potential existential crisis that has been plaguing me for a few weeks. Heh,I’m avoiding, always procrastinating, and putting off things until they need to get done.
I look outside and see the deer and just try to enjoy the silence, but let’s be real silence doesn’t mean shit if your head goes a trillion miles an hour. I’ve been having this existential crisis and wondering what am I doing with myself. It’s a scary thought that I think most people have, but it doesn’t change how uncomfortable it feels. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE???
I ask myself this question almost everyday for the last few weeks and I try to understand. I originally got into therapy to “save the world.” And I believe, I have in certain avenues. I’ve made some great connections and seen the growth and blossom of so many beautiful minds. However, I’m running into this problem… is it ever enough? We’re human we always strive for more. We always look for something we don’t have. As much as I preach “Want what you already have.” I’m the worst follower of that. I always want more and it’s insatiable.
I have a masters degree, I have a license to open up my own practice, I’ve had my “one and done.” All these things I should be proud off… but it’s just not enough. I ask myself did I want to go into this field to change the world? Or did I just get in this field to feel like a superhero and avoid the issues I’ve been avoiding my whole life. Break down the human conscious and at the end of the day we’re just trying to avoid the things that hurt us. But if you overcome the things that hurt you or make peace with it, and your no longer avoiding….where’s the drive where’s the passion? I’m sure life will fall into place, but for now i’ll have to live in this uncertainty for a bit.
I’m a therapist, I’m not supposed to disclose, but innovation and strides in science are based off of thinking outside the box.